There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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