i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
