Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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