i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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