My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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