So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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