Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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