You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
