So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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