do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
