I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
