She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
