I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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