The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
That reminds me...we need to get swords
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
