I look better un-naked...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
