dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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