Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
