I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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