and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
