found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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