Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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