i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize