Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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