My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
