this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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