I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
