Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
