FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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