I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
