I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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