i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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