Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
