I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
