My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
