Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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