dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
