Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
