my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
