My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
