Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
