last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
