How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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