dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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