I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
