I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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