Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
