Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so let's talk penis.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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