Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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