onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
