conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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