I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
