I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
