He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
