Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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