My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
