i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
