Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
